Simple Woman's Faith

Three and half years ago, I sat at this computer with a heavy heart, taking the steps to shut my blog down thinking that my time being a blogger was done for good. Here I am, back at at it once again.

You could say that I had a meaningful break from writing.

God had a plan that I did not fully understand, I believe he was guiding me to step away from writing knowing I needed to take care of myself privately.

When I step away from doing what I love, it was not out of want but need. I was not in the right place, mentally and emotionally. My content showed the state I was in and looking back it was not good.

With that being said, I do believe I should share why I stepped away from blogging, deleting everything and now starting all over, once again.

Accusations

Winter of ’22, I was accused by church members and my parents of lying about my story, having an evil tongue for my opinions based on information that was public and causing division for many different reasons.

I did my best to defend myself. I apologized where I need to and I held my ground where I knew I did nothing wrong. I had conversations with my parents and made a statement on social media.

The damage was done… the accusations were to much and to heavy. What hit harder was those that were accusing me never spoke to me in person. They acted as if they never said anything.

I was hurt, angry, frustrated and bewildered.

Severe Writers Block

A temporary writer’s block that overextended it stay for 3 years. I was unable to pick up a pen to write or move my fingers across the keyboard; my hands were not working properly as it would start to shake and lightly cramp up. I was unable to read my work with my dyslexia being selectively worse.

It took me four months to write a blog post that should have taken me two months. It was painful to write it but well worth pushing through until it was done. I was happy to have posted the article, and I even thought my writer’s block would be gone but it wasn’t.

I was unable to brainstorm, I was unable to edit what I had already, and I was just stuck all around.

Struggling with Depression

For Four years, I knew something was not right… I thought it was pregnancy hormones messing with my ADHD and Anxiety Disorder. I thought I just lost interest in what I found joy doing. Recently, I realized that I was dealing with High Functioning Depression.

See, I retreated from social media, and deleted my blog. I put away my camera and rarely took pictures on my phone. I retreated from having deep conversations with those around me, I stopped speaking up during bible studies. I stopped listening to sermons even of those that I liked. Anything that had biblical content, I ignored it. I tried to read my bible but for a time that also sat on the shelf.

I was having more breakdowns and anxiety attacks. I was coping with the maladaptive daydreaming which was all the time. I lost confidence in myself and had no self-esteem.

It started out small and it just got worse which was during my last pregnancy.

I did everything to show up for my family. I tried to pop on Social media when I was feeling better. I was just constantly stressed, burned out and struggling to find joy in what I used to.

The Break was Good, Why?

I had found that I had entered into the hardest and darkest portions of my healing journey. I had to face some hard knock truths when it came to my past and even the present. It was part of the reason for my depression making itself at home. I needed to do this privately and quietly.

My writing was being affected by everything that I was dealing with mentally and emotionally. My work was going down hill, and it was becoming dark. I was trapped by the problems that I was dealing with and it worn me out.

I was doing everything to be respectful to those that were not doing anything to be respectful to me. I was burned out from putting in the extra effort in protecting those who did not need it.

I was constantly overcompensating and trying to prove my worth in my writing.

I ended my Blogging hobby due to accusations, writers block, mental illness, burn out and just being tired. I am happy to be coming back to what I truly enjoy, with a lighter heart, in a semi healthier mental state and the ability to deal with burn out. I am no longer in the thick of my healing journey and my writers block gone.