Simple Woman's Faith

I was born during the purity culture era, when I hit my tweens, the teachings had seeped through society and in almost every fundamentalist Christian church. I was a Porn addict being raised in a purity culture fundamentalist Christian lifestyle.

I was a 9-year-old girl who had become a porn addict. Being raised by her grandparents, attending a small Adventist church while also going to a small-town public school.

I do not wish that any child to have an addiction either by their own doing or because they were pressured into.

It took me over a decade to fight the addiction as I was doing it all alone. It took me another decade to heal from the damage that addiction had done.

You might have heard that Porn is the New Drug, well it is….

Once I became addicted, it was rewiring my mind. Changing how I viewed myself and others. It changed my desires and cravings. It changed my priorities and how far I would pursue it. It changed how I spoke and acted.

I no longer felt that I had any control over my life.

Porn had its hooks in me; I couldn’t get away from it no matter how much I wanted to walk away. My mind had become dependent on it as it had become a fixture in my life.  

I had learned to live a double life.

I was the weird girl who smiled too much, laughed too loud and talked like the energy bunny bounced. I did what I thought I needed to in order to keep my secret a secret.

It wasn’t working, the effects of the addiction were changing me. It was seeping into my every day life. No one figure it out why, instead the accusations were flying around, and I was being labeled anything, but what I was. A porn addict!

Now…

You might think that I should have known better but how could I when I was not talked to about sex, porn or even about my own body. I was clueless and naïve. It actually made it easier for me to become addicted. It was like the forbidden Fruit in the garden of Eden!

I was being taught that having sex outside marriage was bad, that it was “Fornication” and there should be legal ramifications. The Youth Leaders would teach that only boys had the problem with porn and that girls did not struggle with the physical aspects nor do they crave it.

Being raised in the purity culture life, left me sexually stunted. Being addicted to pornography, left me sexually disconnected. All while having a high libido.

Looking at porn did not teach me sex; it taught me to orgasm.  

I gained anxiety disorder and body dysmorphia.

I am in my early 30’s

I still carry sadness for my younger self; her light left her eyes when she was carrying around such a big heavy secret that she believed would destroy her life if she spilled. That she felt that she couldn’t trust anyone to help her, so she fought the addiction alone.

She was too young to be addicted especially to porn. She was too young to handle a complex situation that she did not know how to navigate.

As a mother watching her children grow, they are not going to stay children forever. My duties is to teach them to be adults because childhood is short as adulthood is long. They have curious minds, they ask questions and they do want answers. I have learned that it is best to teach them while they are young, to let them know that it is natural. Knowledge is key to making healthy choices. Having an addiction is heavy and dark.

I grew up being told that sex is bad while looking at porn when no one was looking. I will be sharing my story about my addiction to healing. What I wish folks knew about being Addict and living with purity culture teachings is just the start.